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16 entries this month
Parent: Job Description
14:39 Dec 22 2007
Times Read: 631
This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way,
I don ' t believe any of us would have done it!!!!
POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Mother, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop, Papa, Father
JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging
permanent work in an,
Often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive
camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule
and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining,
constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
Double Dose
04:32 Dec 22 2007
Times Read: 634
A man went to the doctor to get a double dose of Viagra but his request was denied.
'Why can't I have a double dose?' the man asked.
'It's not safe,' the doctor replied.
'But I need it really bad,' the man explained.
'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, one of my ex's will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday.'
'Okay, I'll give it to you,' the doctor relented.
'But you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check to see if there are any side effects.'
On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's office with his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, 'What happened to you?'
The man said, 'No one showed up.'
You Can't Fix Stupid 2
04:27 Dec 22 2007
Times Read: 635
ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter. 'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or
twelve,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her 'I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. ' Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm,
I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.'
FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use copier machine paper,' the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in 'Twister.' I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had
set the 'cruise control' and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: 'I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?'
EIGHT Police in Radnor , Pa. interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message 'He's lying' was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the 'lie detector' was working, the suspect confessed.
NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine. The mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.....
Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency room!
Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid
Nursery Rhymes I Will Never Tell My Kids
02:06 Dec 21 2007
Times Read: 640
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb ass"
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again..
Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock..
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
Amazing Wal-Mart
01:58 Dec 21 2007
Times Read: 641
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the
computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs $10 - A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
10 seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.
He deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit.. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart .
Christian Humor
04:32 Dec 20 2007
Times Read: 645
This is one of the best clean jokes I've seen in awhile!
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better
on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God
was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going
to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly
flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES
The Man Rules
23:02 Dec 19 2007
Times Read: 649
Ok..this gave me the biggest laugh..because this is how men I usually deal with REALLY THINK!!
The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear 'the rules' From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh
My Computer Works!!22:53 Dec 19 2007
Times Read: 650
After going through a virus attack,
Losing a hard drive,
Fighting off hackers,
Upgrading all my software,
Installing fire-walls,
Being threatened with being cut-off by my email provider,
And a host of other problems...
I have fixed my computer...
And NOW it works exactly the way I want it to!
You Can't Fix Stupid
22:52 Dec 19 2007
Times Read: 651
Eighth Place
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
Seventh Place
A 49 year old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
Sixth Place
Buxton , NC : A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge , VA , but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc , A , as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville , Del , as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
As Ron White often says : " You can't fix stupid." These people prove it is a terminal condition. As always, competition this year has been keen.
Third Place (My personal favorite!)
The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington, DC appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:
1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms; A gun shop specializing in handguns.
2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.
3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door.
4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, an d fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a 9mm GLOCK 17, the clerk with a 50 DESERT EAGLE, assisted by several customers who also drew their guns, several of whom also drew and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire.
HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter- stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.
RUNNER UP: TACOMA , WA .
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope.
Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay near by. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy salt water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say" said Bingham, is that God was watching out for me on that night.
There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER...
Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn , Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged- up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... "Shit happens."
Thats When The Fight Started
22:49 Dec 19 2007
Times Read: 652
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it .. . . he was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"
. . . and that's when the fight started.
How To Tell If Your A Redneck Pagan
05:35 Dec 19 2007
Times Read: 654
If your ceremonial garb consists of cut-offs and a tube top,
Or if you think a "family tradition" is a dating club...
If you've reached the 3rd degree but not the 3rd grade,
Or if your coven's secret names for the God and Goddess are "Cooter" and "Sweet Cheeks".....
You may be a redneck Pagan.
If your ceremonial chalice says "Budweiser" on it...
If chewing tobacco is considered a sacred herb...
If your circle dance includes the words "dosey-do",
Or if your altar pentacle is a photo of John Wayne's star on the Hollywood "Walk Of Fame".....
You may be a redneck Pagan.
Now if your coven chose it's High Priest at a belching contest,
Or if they chose their High Priestess at a wet t-shirt night...
If your anointing oil smells like "Old Spice"...
And if you have ever refilled your chalice from a keg...
You may be a redneck Pagan.
If your Goddess picture says "Miss September" at the bottom,
Or your God statue looks a little too much like Elvis Presley...
If you have ever written a spell on the back of a Denny's menu...
Or if you have ever cancelled a coven meeting to watch Pay-Per-View wrestling on TV...
You may be a redneck Pagan.
If your children and your dog have the same magical name
(Skeeter! Get on over here and cast this circle!)...
If your cakes and ale consist of moonpies and a cold "Bud"...
Or if your coven sword says "Power Rangers" on it...
You may be a redneck Pagan!
If your Book Of Shadows has a picture of Kyle Petty or Dale Earnhart on it....
If your divination kit consists of a picture of Dionne Warwick and a 1-900 number...
Or if your idea of a pilgrimage to a sacred circle is going to the Indy 500....
You're probably a redneck Pagan!
Now if your ceremonial head-dress has a bill and says "Chevrolet" on it,
Or if your Sabbat Queen's head-dress is made out of those little nylon flowers the veterans hand out in front of the supermarket...
You're probably a redneck Pagan.
If you chose "Jim Bob" or "Stormin Normin" as a magickal name...
If you think charging is done with a Master Card...
Or if your Balefire says "Coleman" on it...
You might be.........
Now, if your covenstead says "Winnebago" on the side, you're NOT necessarily a redneck Pagan, but if your covenstead's up on blocks, well......
Now if you Goddess visualizations look too much like Pamela Anderson.....
Or if your initiatory ordeal consisted of being blind-folded with a confederate flag and leg-wrestling...
If your idea of a Pagan festival consists of a tailgate party and tickets to the superbowl...
Or if your ceremonial chants are by Garth Brooks...
You're probably a redneck Pagan!
If your coven's guided meditations start out with a burger at "Hooter's",
or if you think a "Gerald Gardner" is farm equipment...
You are definitely a redneck Pagan!
And finally, if you have ever called the National Enquirer because you raised a potato that resembled the Willendorf Goddess,
Or if you have EVER worked love magick on livestock......
...AND FAILED....
You are definitely a Redneck Pagan!
Understanding Manspeak
18:02 Dec 18 2007
Times Read: 659
Thanks to atyourwindow for giving me a huge laugh with this one!! LOL
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing; it's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated: "I make the messes; she cleans them up."
Hard of Hearing
07:23 Dec 16 2007
Times Read: 664
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9" high and
sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the
counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he
places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece
by Mozart!
"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.
The man responds by reac hing into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bar tender and says:
"Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a
beautiful genie is standing before him.
"I will grant you one wish... just one wish... each person is only allowed
one!"
The bartender gets real excited Wit hout hesitating he says, "I want a
million bucks!"
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by
another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a
little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"No shit!!" says the man, "Do you really think I asked for a 9 inch
pianist?!"
Four Friends
01:49 Dec 15 2007
Times Read: 670
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 Years, reunited at a party.
After several Drinks, one of the men had to use the rest Room.
Those who remained talked about their Kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride And joy. He started working at a successful Company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon Began to climb the corporate ladder and now
he's the president of the company. He became so Rich that he gave his best friend a top of the Line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific!
My Son is also my pride and joy. He started Working for a big airline, and then went to Flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he Became a partner in the company, where he owns The majority of its assets. He's so rich that He gave his best friend a brand new jet plane for his Birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My Son studied in the best universities and became An engineer. Then he started his own Construction company and is now a Multimillionaire. He also gave away something Very nice and expensive to his best friend for His birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just As the fourth returned from the restroom and Asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about The pride we feel for the successes of our Sons What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and Makes a living dancing as a stripper at a Nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame... What a Disappointment. "
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done Too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago,
And he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot Mansion, a brand new jet plane and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.
The Lone Ranger
01:35 Dec 15 2007
Times Read: 671
The Lone Ranger is captured by Indians...The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.
What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."
The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, ; "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse.
For the last time . . . BRING POSSEE".
Remember This At Christmas!01:08 Dec 15 2007
Times Read: 675
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known ONLY a woman would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
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